Last night I actually bothered to cook. Normally I pretty much just eat dry goods like cereal, crackers, sandwiches, and junk food. That's because I'm too lazy to cook, and it isn't that fun cooking for one. However, every couple or three weeks I cook something up so I don't die of malnutrition.

I bought some hamburger last weekend with the intention of making some tacos. Unfortunately I was too busy and kind of forgot about it until Thursday. It was a few days past its pull date but didn't smell funny or look too bad. I loaded it up with a ton of taco seasoning and added half a dried chili pepper to it. While it was cooking I got the cheese out of the fridge. It was some non-fat cheeselike stuff that had an expiration date of August 2002. It wasn't moldy and smelled ok so I figured since it was probably made out of petroleum anyway I was good to go. Last I got the taco shells out of the cupboard. I didn't check the date on them but they had been opened and sitting in there for at least a year. I was kind of disappointed that I didn't have any black olives or lettuce because tacos just aren't great without lettuce and olives on the side. It had been so long since I'd had any that I figured I could make do without.

I was right. The tacos were darn tasty, and I was pleasantly full when I was done. Trouble struck at 6:00am though. I had this really bad feeling in my gut and started belching the most foul-tasting belches I've ever conceived of. My system was seriously trying to tell me that it no longer wanted any part of the tacos. I spent the next half an hour or so trying to puke it up without success. Well, I suppose spitting up some blood might be considered success but I didn't think so. After that fun half an hour I crawled back into bed in order to try to get some sleep. Luckily even though I felt like crap the gagging had tired me out enough to sleep until 8:30.

At 8:30 I woke up and knew something was way not right. Within a minute or two I rushed to the bathroom where the tacos decided it was time to exit. Oh boy, I got to puke it all up after all. Luckily that was pretty quick and not nearly as bad at the 6:00 gag session. Brushed my teeth and headed back to bed.

Around 11 or 12 I woke up again with yet another dire urge. I proceeded to spend large portions of the next four or five hours on the toilet. Eventually I was empty and in serious need of rehydration. I've sucked down about 64 ounces of iced tea in the last couple of hours. It seems like the worst is over but I'm not willing to bet on it.

Once I was feeling like I might not die after all, around 5pm, I got around to taking a shower. Then I promptly proceeded to throw the taco meat, container and all, into the trash. It was quickly followed by the cheese. The damn stuff was so strong that I could smell it through the container and was forced to take the garbage out to keep it from stinking the place up. A bit after that I proceeded to throw out a bunch of other stuff that was past its expiration date. No way do I want a repeat of today. I know myself and know that if I see something that sounds good in the kitchen I'll eat it regardless of when it purportedly expired.

For someone who is supposed to be a genius I amaze myself with my utter stupidity sometimes. What the heck was I thinking eating food that was so far out of date? The worst part is I shouldn't have eaten that meat even when it was fresh. I bought it at the U District Safeway, the grossest Safeway in history. I normally never buy anything not prepackaged there but the burger was just so tempting and so cheap. That cheese was just as bad. Fat free cheddar cheese isn't cheese. I don't even know what that stuff is. It probably would make person sick even if it was fresh, let alone eight months past date. Take it from me. Past dated food isn't a good idea even if it does look and sound tasty.